Comparison to the Book: The Lightning Thief

Better than the movie.

Rick Riordan's 2005 book, The Lightning Thief, is at times uneven, fun, hip, and a ripoff of Harry Potter. What irks me the most, when compared to the movie, is that the movie version of The Lightning Thief absolutely skips the best parts and changes the film to little more than a road trip movie. Now, if you remember, I enjoyed the movie, declaring it a triumph of the human spirit. That's paraphrased from the direct quote: "easy-to-digest." Anyway.

So we miss out on the entire introduction of Kronos, the "true" villain that never gets introduced AT ALL in the movie. Uh. What? Christopher Columbus, the director of the film, and company boiled down the plot to... a kid that's pissed off at daddy? Really? And then we miss out on the entire introduction of Ares in the movie. What? These are major issues in the book.

It seems that while Columbus arguably paid too close attention to making the Harry Potter films (Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets)accurate to the source material, he didn't feel as inclined with The Lightning Thief. And that's a pity because the book is, at times, a real joy to read. The pacing is incredibly fast, the characters are fun, and the portrayal of the Greek mythological characters fantastic. It really boggles my mind as to why they cut out so much from the book. In fact, they added things to the movie that, really, didn't need to be there, such as a fight with a hydra (which happens in the second book), and Persephone and Hades are completely changed. While I loved the latter two's portrayal in the movie, it just kind of worries me that they film makers are building a series of movies on a series of books, and changing so much right from the start.

If you have any inclination to read the book, I suggest you do so--after watching the movie. Otherwise, you might get your hopes up and be disappointed. As it is, I can't help but wonder what if.

Edge of Darkness keeps you on the edge of your seat--to leave.

What Women Want.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Caught Edge of Darkness a couple weeks ago with Hombre Lobo. Thanks to a car accident and the subsequent rubbernecking on the highway, I missed the first fifteen minutes or so. I don’t think those vital minutes would have saved this movie, but maybe I’m wrong.

Anyway, Mel Gibson is Thomas Craven, a Boston police detective whose daughter, Emma, is killed in a drive-by shooting at Craven’s house. The initial suspicion is that someone was targeting Thomas, and his daughter was collateral damage. As the movie unfolds, we learn that Emma as working for Northmoor, a company who makes weapons for the government, so it becomes clear that Emma was the target all along because she found out too much.

Not interested in that plot? Yeah, neither was I. Gibson’s career really seems to have fallen off the map with this forgettable piece of crap. I really don’t know what else to say about it. The fact that the film is titled Edge of Darkness implies that there are themes of, well, darkness, right? That perhaps there's a conflict or confrontation of humanity and its dark side? Nope. The themes come across as merely silly political intrigue and Gibson just doesn't seem to want to show his darker inner workings that we all know exist. I mean give the guy a shot of whiskey and start talking Judaism or something. Cuz Gibson hasn't had a particularly clear "good guy" image for years now. And don't get me wrong--while I'm not clamoring for antisemitism, I am looking for the darkness that the film is supposed to express.

The twists and turns are awfully simple, and the head of Northmoor, Jack Bennett (Danny Huston) is remarkably blasé (though he has a great name). He shifts from sleazy to cowardly to maniacally stupid with ease. The only shining point is “consultant/hitman/cleaner” Jedburgh, played by Ray Winstone (of the Departed and Sexy Beast fame. He’s by turns sympathetic, brutal, cold hearted, and pretty nice. He does a remarkable job with understating a character whose very nature is anything but.

Other than that, burn this piece of crap.

Cost Breakdown:

11.25 on a ticket
5.00 on gas

16.25. Just shoot me now. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off!

2007's Dead Silence? Dead Stupid.

I'd hit it.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Rewound to a few years and caught the 2007 film, Dead Silence after rave reviews from several friends. Now, I’m a horror fan. I enjoy getting scared. I enjoy creepy. I like the jumps, the goosebumps, whatever. And best of all, it doesn’t take much to scare me. Maybe Dead Silence is one of those films you’ve gotta watch with others, or in the theater. I don’t know. All’s I know is that this is one bad film. And I don’t mean Michael Jackson in the 80s bad, I mean Michael Jackson in a daycare bad.

I’ll keep this short since the film’s been out for several years. In short: what the fuck? Dead Silence is an amalgam of stupid plot holes, silly goings-on, and just head-scratching developments. Ever watch a film and the people around you are screaming at the screen, wondering why the fuck the protagonist is doing certain things? Yeah that was me when I watched Dead Silence. I don’t suppose this should be a surprise, considering the film comes from the minds of the idiots that brought you the Saw franchise, another unbelievable, plot hole-ridden waste of film.

The story’s simple, the twist even stupider. Jamie receives a ventriloquist doll in the mail, his wife is brutally killed, and the investigation focuses on Jamie (naturally). Okay, I’m on board. He searches the box in which the doll arrived, finds out that it came from his hometown. Then, inexplicably, he thinks his estranged father has some information for him. He doesn’t. Well, with the help of Henry, the local undertaker, Jamie discovers that the spirit of Mary Shaw has cursed his family and is hunting each member and their spouses down and killing them, ripping out their tongues in the process. And the only way to not die is to not scream when she’s about to not kill you.

As the story progressed, I found myself wondering when the fuck it would just end. The twist ending was simple and pretty much any idiot can figure it out if they think about it for a second. Why would the film introduce such useless characters as Jamie’s father and the new, young step-mother if they weren’t going to play a larger role by the end? Duh.

Visually, Mary Shaw is a scary looking babe. (See photo above). I don’t think I’d be too pleased to have my tongue ripped out by her. But is she iconic? No. The filmmakers make stupid films that actually seem to talk down to their audience. They don’t seem to make any sense. For instance, the theater where Mary Shaw lived in life is now flooded and surrounded by a moat and abandoned. Cool. But who the fuck thought to put rowboats in there? And to leave them there? And once inside, it seems like nobody’s been there to vandalize, screw around, live, squat, or whatever. Yeah, right. A potentially haunted, creepy-ass building, and nobody’s been in there, even though it’s easily accessed with conveniently-placed rowboats. And it’s apparently so remote that none of Mary Shaw’s things have been touched since her death decades ago.

Cue eye rolls. Skip film. That is all. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

Chris Evans is... CAPTAIN AMERICA? (if he wants to be)

Someone who perhaps exemplifies America better than Chris Evans.


Hollywood Reporter is reporting that Chris Evans has been offered the role of Captain America.

HR writes:

Sources tell us the actor, who once donned superhero garb in two "Fantastic Four" movies, has been offered the role of Captain America.

Marvel has not confirmed the development and CAA, which reps the actor, declined to comment.

While I really like Chris Evans, I'm not sure I agree with this possible casting choice. One, he has an air of youthfulness that really doesn't strike me as being mature enough for such a role. Two, he was already in the train wreck that was Fantastic Four. True, he was the best part--but still. There has to be someone else out there with a more mature screen presence.

Brooklyn's Finest? Not Hardly.

Who DIDN'T think this was well deserved?

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

I caught Brooklyn’s Finest last weekend in what turned out to be a huge waste of time. Antoine Fuqua, the director of the highly overrated Denzel-a-thon piece of crap, Training Day, has come back with what is supposed to be the spiritual sequel to the aforementioned film. Now, forgive me all you Denzel lovers and Training Day fanatics, but that movie was boring as hell, and this one isn’t any better.

Fuqua takes a page from the Mexican film Amores Perros and tells multiple stories that (ahem) converge at one violent point. And it’s terrible to watch. Just awful. I’d rather watch my lungs blacken from smoking in fast forward. We have Sal (Ethan Hawke), who is a crooked cop with a heart of gold who only steals from drug dealers because he needs a down payment for a house because his residence now is so mold-infested that his wife’s and their unborn twins’ health is at risk. He’s desperate, he’s overwritten, he’s overacted, and he’s a snooze. Hawke, that black hole of talent that I watched in Daybreakers really needs to stop acting. He’s better when he’s understated, but everything and he does is just so brooding and martyred that I really need to start boycotting the fucker.

Don Cheadle’s turn as undercover cop Tango, a top lieutenant for Casanova (Wesley Snipes), a man who saved Tango’s life while locked up, is slightly more interesting, as should be expected by a Cheadle performance. He found himself torn between earning a desk job and a promotion to protecting Casanova. Who I really liked, to my surprise, was Snipes. I found myself rooting for him. He displayed a wide range of emotions and was more than relatable to the audience. Maybe tax evasion did him good.

Then there’s Eddie Dugan (Richard Gere). Eddie’s awesome. You know him. Everyone and their mother know him. He’s the fuckup that doesn’t care, and is just grinding his way through the day. He’s on the verge of retirement and hasn’t done dick to help his life or help the people. He just doesn’t care. He’s an alcoholic with suicidal ideations and frankly, I didn’t want to see him change. While he may be better built for a minor character, Brooklyn’s Finest has him taking a major role and really shines as the emotional character arc. A whole movie about him would have been more interesting.

So they all converge in some violent point and blah blah blah. Eddie makes his epiphany a little too quickly, Sal doesn’t really change at all, and Tango’s development is obvious. Overall the film drags on and on and I couldn’t wait to get the hell outta there.

Cost Breakdown:

22.00 on tickets for me and my cousin

4.00 on gas

26.00? Fuck no. Get the hell outta here with this forgettable crap. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

Jack Burton Takes Off His Own Head After Watching ALICE IN WONDERLAND

What I should'a watched instead.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

I’ve never seen any, and I mean any iteration of Alice in Wonderland. I don’t know how I’ve gotten so far without having somewhere, somehow stumbled upon a viewing. But it’s true. I have no idea what this is supposed to be about, other than little details of a woman screaming, “Off with her head!” or a rabbit that’s late for an appointment, or the Mad Hatter, who, to be honest, I know because he’s also a character in the Batman universe.

Also, along the lines of “never having seen,” I’ve never seen Tim Burton direct a very focused or cogent story. He usually seems to be more concerned with visuals than he does with plot and story. While films are undoubtedly a visual medium, when broken down, they’re simply stories. And Burton hasn’t ever impressed me with his storytelling abilities. He focuses so much on concepts and images that the overarching story gets lost in the shuffle. It’s as if he stares too closely at a detail and never steps back to see if the entire picture is shaping up correctly. The odds and ends look nice, but nothing connects.

Well, I will say that this has changed, for the most part, in his latest film, Alice in Wonderland. It’s a focused story that connects all its scenes and progresses as it should. Structurally, it’s fine. But what in the hell is this mishmash of bullshit? Hombre Lobo said it best when he described the visuals as Burton simply (and I’m paraphrasing here) throwing colors at the screen for the sake of making it colorful. And he’s right. Burton’s “visuals” have become formulaic. In a world that includes beautiful visuals and strong stories (Guillermo del Torro, come the fuck on down, bro), Burton has become passé. He’s not daring, nor is he particularly interesting. He doesn’t push the boundaries or is creative any longer. He’s stagnated.

So who was once a colorful, creative director, has become run-of-the-mill in the face of stronger storytelling. How strange. Anyway, so back to my point of never having seen any of the Alicesbefore. While I was watching this film, I got the distinct impression that this was some kind of sequel. It wasn’t until much later that I read that this film is supposedly a “continuation” (I can’t remember where I got that description) of the franchise, though not necessarily a sequel. Apparently there are scenes in this film that have absolutely no connection with the stories by Lewis Carroll. I have a sneaking suspicion that those of us who have seen Alice in Wonderland will probably enjoy it more than me, as Burton revisits the magical world of Underland and builds on the foundation of the stories. The movie seemed to branch out and rely on the viewers’ having seen the movie beforehand.

As for the characters, I loved Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. They light up the screen with their ineptitude and demeanor. Cheshire Cat, played by Stephen Fry, is delightfully witty and a nice break from the oddly uninteresting Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter. Depp, it seems, has taken to overacting and overplaying every one of his roles in a vain attempt to recapture his Captain Jack Sparrow magic. In fact, I couldn’t even decipher half of the things he was saying, his accents became so jumbled. Alan Rickman is always a joy, even when he is underused as he has become in the Harry Potter-verse and here as the caterpillar-cum-oracle, Absolem.

So my biggest gripe of the film is the development of Alice (Mia Wasikowska). She goes from a head-in-the-clouds Victorian bachelorette dodging the advances of a respectable Lord, to a badass with a sword and shield a little too easily. There’s no gradual shift in character, no epiphany, nothing. She just becomes, and it’s unearned and uninteresting. Alice has no chemistry with Depp’s Mad Hatter, and as such it’s kind of eye-rolling to see her go through the motions of wanting to rescue him in the middle act. I suspect Wasikowska has enough charisma and presence to carry a film, but here, her performance is almost forgetful.

Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen was more annoying than menacing or iconic. And—this is perhaps the strangest bit—Crispin Glover as the Red Queen’s general is horrible. Horrible. How in the hell can this be? He’s CRISPIN FUCKING GLOVER. He’s Marty McFly’s old man. He commanded an army of rats. My god, how the fuck do you turn Crispin Glover’s turn as a creepy general of an army of playing cards into such a blasé character?

Oh, and don’t bother with the 3-D. It’s definitely not worth it. In a post-Avatar world, it just seems trivial.

Cost Breakdown:

15.00 on a ticket
4.00 on gas

19.00 on a boring midnight show. With wasteful spending like this, how are we still in a recession? Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

This almost makes up for Titanic!

Take that, James Cameron!

You should've taken another 10 years and maybe found some of that talent you've lost!

Predictions for the Oscars?

Honestly I don't think I've even seen most of these films...

But for Best Picture: ANYTHING but Avatar!

It Must Be Said

Hombre Lobo and I agree: this year has been such a let down in terms of film quality. How on earth can we keep our morale up in the face of the roughly $1500+ we have committed to this year's crop of films?

We did 100+ films in what, 2006? 2005? I can't remember unfortunately... But we didn't seem to have as shitty a time then as we are now. We are sorely behind and none of the movies we've seen, save a couple, were worth their weight in ticket stubs. Maybe it's harder because we are keeping better track with reviews on this here blog... I don't know but something needs to change, fast!

I have three more reviews to write, and none of them are what you'd call "glowing."

ah, well... Onward and upward, I suppose. Here's to waiting for the summer blockbuster season.

HBO Has Green-Lit GAME OF THRONES!

I feel like crying, I'm so happy.

Head over to Winter is Coming to see a cool promo image from the opening scene of the pilot episode!

Congrats, Mr. George R.R. Martin... well deserved!

Possible Upcoming HBO Series: A Game of Thrones

Based on the bestselling fantasy books by George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones is an intensely intricate series set in an imaginary, swords-and-dungeons-type of world and encompasses everything from politics to mysticism. I've been a huge fan of the series for years and highly suggest the books to everyone, even if you dislike the genre.

Word came out yesterday on the fan blog, Winter is Coming, that it looks as though HBO has green-lit the series after having watched the pilot, though official word has not been announced yet. The massive ensemble cast includes Peter Dinklage, Sean Bean, and Lena Headey in pivotal roles with several other notable British actors. The intent is to film seven seasons, with each season encompassing one book.

Here's hoping 2011 will force me to order HBO service!

You can also follow George R.R. Martin's blog (and intermittent progress of the next book in the series) here.

Jack Burton's Status of the First Two Months of 2010!

It's all in the reflexes.

Oh Boy. How the hell am I supposed to hit 150? I'm not even on pace to hit 100! At least I just got a full time job, so I shouldn't really have any money problems with these tickets... and boy, let me tell you, reading over the cost breakdown is painful shit. I've really gotta buckle down and keep plugging away. I'm not doing as bad as Hombre Lobo's sub-ten total though...

January:

Black Dynamite: $23.00
Sherlock Holmes: $18.25
Daybreakers: $0.00
Youth in Revolt: $16.25
The Lovely Bones: $16.25
Legion: $13.00
To Save a Life: $15.50

February:

Tooth Fairy: $10.00
Wolfman: $22.00
From Paris With Love: $10.00
Shutter Island: $16.00
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief: $4.00
The Crazies: $15.00
Cop Out: $21.00

What a fucked up year. About 8.5 weeks in, I should have seen around 24.5 movies to be on pace, but I'm at 14. I've spent about $200.25.

Best Movie: Shutter Island
Honorable Mention: Youth In Revolt

Cop Out: or, How to Not Make Good Cop Movies

A scene that's not as funny as you'd think.


This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Ok. I enjoyed Cop Out, all right? I did. At least that’s what I keep telling myself, in the same way that women tell men that size doesn’t matter. Repeat the mantra, and keep repeating it. Okay, fine, I didn’t like it. But I didn’t hate it either. I’m kind of ambivalent to the movie. I haven’t really been a Kevin Smith fan since he made his masterpiece, Dogma. His movies have kind of gone downhill (Jersey Girl, anyone? Anyone?), though Zack & Miri Make a Porno was decent and the trailers for Cop Out seemed to at least hit some of Smith’s high notes. But then, he didn’t write this, he directed it.

There’s definitely a stamp of Kevin Smith charm in the comedic timing between Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan, and it works well. They have a lot of chemistry, though believing that they’re actually partners is a bit of a large undertaking. They just don’t come off as authentic, but that may very well be the point. This isn’t a realistic cop film in a world of The Wire, CSI, and lord knows what else. This is (supposedly) a fun, comedic attempt at nostalgic, 80s, buddy-buddy cop movies. An homage, if you will. But the filmmakers rely too much on that gimmick and not enough on making a good movie. And there really are enough ingredients to make this a good movie.

First, Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis are fine in their roles as Paul and Jimmy respectively, though I think a stronger director could have gotten better performances from both. They’re funny, and as I mentioned earlier, they have plenty of chemistry. The rest of the film is about the pair, newly suspended (of course), trying to take down a Mexican drug kingpin in Brooklyn with a penchant for baseball memorabilia. This obsession with baseball leads to his acquiring a valuable baseball card which was stolen from Jimmy, who needs to sell it in order to pay for his daughter’s wedding. It’s a simple, generic plot, but with enough moving parts that could have really launched this one to greatness, like the incredibly underrated film, The Rundown, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Seann Williams Scott has a great guest appearance, as the trailers indicate. Jason Lee has an awesome cameo. The villain, Po’ Boy, played by Guillermo Diaz, has the makings of a timeless badass, but more often than not comes off as a joke. The background stories for Paul and Jimmy are both interesting and the types of themes that Smith really has a nice handle on. When the film focuses on those stories, everything seems to really work, but when it focuses on the cop stuff, it kind of stumbles along as though Smith doesn’t know what to do next. It’s patchwork at times. It almost seems like Smith was too busy staring at the details and not enough at the larger picture as he was putting this together. I will say that there are nice touches, such as the uber-80s-style music that appear at points in the movie. Very nice.

So in the end, Cop Out is a mediocre film that will probably be known more for its missed opportunities than its actual content. In our recession, I'll have to say skip it, don’t even rent it. It has no replay value, though there are some genuine laughs in it. Catch it on TV if you have nothing else to do. If you have money to burn, go ahead. I don't know; as I said, I enjoyed it. But I couldn't watch this again.

Cost breakdown:

21.00 for two tickets for me and my cousin, who drove.

I wish I had some kind of time machine shaped as a hot tub to tell myself not to bother. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off!

Ol' Jack Burton Goes Crazy with Boredom from Watching THE CRAZIES

Olga Kurylenko has nothing to do with this movie, but she's really hot in Hitman with Timothy Olyphant.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Well, I’ll just get right to the point. Skip The Crazies. I don’t know why anyone would watch it, to be honest. Nothing in this waste of time is surprising, scary, or interesting. How it’s gotten such good reviews I’ll never know (71% on Rotten Tomatoes at the time of this writing). I caught this travesty of a zombie/government conspiracy/ human devolution film on Thursday night at midnight with Hombre Lobo and Home Theater Hans. This was HTH’s pick of the night (over Cop Out), and he promptly fell into a post-happy hour slumber while watching it, though Hombre Lobo and I both agreed that this was his type of movie.

While the original 1973 film may have some redeeming qualities simply based on its social/historic context—I have no idea, I’ve never seen it—the remake really doesn’t explore anything new to modern audiences. The main protagonist, Sheriff David Dutton, played by Timothy Olyphant of Hitman and The Girl Next Door fame, confronts the threat of an unknown toxin turning his small town into an ultra-violent group of crazies. Along the way, the government goes overboard in their containment response and the Sheriff, his wife Judy (Radha Mitchell), his deputy Russell (Joe Anderson), and his wife’s assistant Becca (Danielle Panabaker, the hot best friend from Sky High) must find their way to safety while avoiding the infected townspeople and the military who kill with extreme prejudice. That’s it. No plot twists, no intimate portraits of human madness or heroics in the face of chaos as in The Mist, or even hokey b-movie-type developments that would at least make this thing entertaining. Nothing new, nothing interesting. Snore.

The performances are mostly as generic as they come, though Joe Anderson’s portrayal of Deputy Russell needs to be applauded. He’s given the meat of the character arc here. In every story, be it written or cinematic or whatever, the point is that a character changes, right? We need to see something interesting happen to them, some kind of revelation or epiphany or evolution/devolution. Something! But the Sheriff and his wife are static. They don’t particularly engage the audience and they’re not really pushed as far as they could be. Russell, however, does. He goes from aw-shucks Barney Fife, to a full-blown, shoot-first badass, to a man confronting his own mortality seamlessly. It feels natural and whenever he’s on the screen, it’s all about him—but not in a fancy, splashy way, his character is more subtle, and completely believable.

So that was the one shining point in the movie. The rest of the movie looks like stock, recycled footage, the scares are lame and elementary (and this is coming from a guy that scares incredibly easy), and frankly, I felt bad that George Romero’s name was anywhere on this piece. The military and government intervention parts didn’t resonate, nor were the crazies themselves particularly horrifying. They were, however, incredibly inconsistent in their portrayal. Some are full-blown nutsos who were completely brain-gone, some were sharp enough to sew peoples’ eyes and mouths closed. What the fuck?

So the cost breakdown:

11.00 on a ticket
4.00 on gas

15.00 wasted on an uneven, completely forgettable film. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

Jack Burton Climbs Mount Olympus to Visit PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS: THE LIGHTNING THIEF!

As if there weren't enough phallic references with Harry Potter and his broom...

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Sometimes, I sit back in my chair and listen to the stars blink and twitter away in the night sky and I wonder to myself: what would it be like to be Chris Columbus? You don’t need talent. You can kind of just sit around and think up cheesy ways to make films that appeal to kids. It doesn’t seem that difficult. He’s probably best known for directing the first two Harry Potter films, which, incidentally, I love. They’re not masterfully done, or particularly well acted, or even that good. But I really, really enjoy them. So here comes his latest film, Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief. That’s a hell of name. I shall heretofore refer to it as PJ&TO:TLT to make things easier for everyone.

PJ&TO:TLT is based on the book The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, the first book in the seven-book series, Percy Jackson & The Olympians. Upon its publication, it was automatically compared to Harry Potter. But really, what fantasy children’s novel (or series) nowadays won’t, on some level, be compared to that leviathan of publishing gold? It’s really not that difficult to write children/young adult tales, it seems. Add one part protagonist who has special abilities that make him a freak in the “real” world but someone “special” in the fantasy world; one part plucky companions; one part romance or threat thereof; one part conspiracy or evil plot. Stir well before publishing. Serves millions.

PJ&TO:TLT centers on Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), the teenage son of Poseidon, which makes him a demigod. As is the norm with these kinds of books, he doesn’t know he has his powers; instead he thinks he suffers from ADHD and dyslexia. He thinks he’s some kind of outcast, except for his best friend Grover Underwood (Brandon T. Jackson). Anyway, Zeus’ (Sean Bean) main lightning bolt has been stolen, and he suspects that Percy is behind it. He charges the boy with returning the bolt by the summer solstice, fourteen days away. So as it turns out, Grover has been living as Percy’s guardian since they were little, and fills him in about some of his background. Together, they join a camp of demigods called Camp Half-Blood, where they meet the daughter of Athena, Annabeth Chase (played by the uber-cute Alexandra Daddario) and learn how to be leaders and heroes in the real world. Before long, however, Hades kidnaps Percy’s mother in an attempt to force the boy to give him the bolt. Percy, Grover, and Annabeth take flight across the country to find a way to Hades to convince the god that Percy doesn’t have the bolt and retrieve his mother, all while imminent war is looming between Poseidon, Hades, and Zeus because of said missing bolt.

I didn’t understand that part of it. THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END. GET THE BOLT BACK. Right? Anyone? I realize your mother is important, but c’mon. Wrap it together a little better, at least. The three teens don’t even seem to care that the world is about to come to a screeching halt. PJ&TO:TLT ultimately boils down to a road trip-type movie. That’s not bad, I just found it hard to swallow that they seem to ignore the need to find the bolt. The three are surrounded by an excellent ensemble cast, including a great Steve Coogan as Hades, an incredibly creepy, memorable Uma Thurman as Medusa, and a sexed-up version of Persephone by Rosario Dawson. It’s really quite remarkable how the older, veteran actors play up their parts perfectly.

The youngsters are, well, young. But they hold their own well enough, despite having very little to work with. This is the main problem with the film. They aren’t particularly interesting. Percy pretty much flips a switch and becomes the alpha-male leader right away. It’s not believable, and it’s not earned. Annabeth, who is introduced as a badass warrior, regresses into, well, kind of filler. I don’t know what she was doing there except to look pretty and be a love interest for Percy. Grover’s not bad as the sidekick with jokes. He honestly seems to care about his best friend, and that’s as much as I can really say about him.

After reading this review, you might think I disliked PJ&TO:TLT. I really didn’t. I enjoyed it, as I do many children’s and family films. It’s fun, it’s silly, and the modern-day versions of the Greek gods are awesome. I don’t know if I’ll buy it on Blu Ray, but I think I’m leaning toward it. It’s easy-to-digest, but to more “serious” moviegoers, I’d suggest skipping this one. I’ll probably wait till I see the sequel to really decide on purchasing it or not.

My cousin paid for my ticket so I only drove.

4.00 for gas.

Sign me up if we’re doing this again! Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off!

Lock Me Up In SHUTTER ISLAND!

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

I was never a big fan of Martin Scorsese until I saw The Departed. Yes, I know, he did Goodfellas, Casino, Cape Fear, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and so on and so forth. I don’t know. I’ve always considered him an in-your-face director that would benefit from just stepping back and letting his work be a little more subtle. Then I saw The Departed and (grudgingly) loved it, despite its lack of subtlety. But even that enjoyment was tainted since it was a remake of the excellent Chinese film, Infernal Affairs. Regardless, I loved The Departed, and was somewhat disappointed with the early trailers for his latest film, Shutter Island. But I felt much the same about The Departed’s trailers. So I tried to go into this film with an open mind, but somewhere underneath it all, I was waiting for the other foot to drop, for me to absolutely hate this film. And I’m glad to say that this is absolutely not the case.

Shutter Island is an intense, suspenseful, and masterfully woven film about U.S. Marshall Teddy Daniels’ (Leonardo DiCaprio) investigation into the disappearance of an inmate/patient on Shutter Island in a classic ‘locked room’ scenario. Accompanied by his new sidekick/partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo), they question the inmates and staff of the island, headed by Dr. John Cawley (Ben Kingsley), and find that there’s much more to the island than they thought. The performances across the board are excellent, including an unforgettable, blink-and-you’ll-miss-him cameo by Jackie Earle Haley of Watchmen fame. He’s quickly putting together an impressive résumé of iconic performances, and I can’t wait to catch him as Freddie Kruger in the upcoming remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. DiCaprio handles his character’s emotional baggage exceptionally well, though I can’t help but wonder if he’ll ever put away that Boston accent. The weakest link is probably Mark Ruffalo, the always-likable chap, who really doesn’t have much to do here except play, well, a likable chap. The characters have a heft to them that is normally missing in these types of suspense films; they each have their own secrets and their own baggage and are incredibly multi-faceted, which I loved. Nobody’s really a stock, archetypal character.

The film is based on the novel of the same name by Dennis Lehane, the writer of such books as Gone, Baby, Gone, and Mystic River. He also did a stint on the much-loved HBO series, The Wire. I didn’t realize that Shutter Island was created by a man with such an interesting and remarkable pedigree. The storytelling was so vivid and strong behind Shutter Island that it really wouldn’t surprise me if more of his works got turned into film. The plot is multi-layered and grounded in the investigation; as the investigation continues, Daniels confronts his past. In the hands of a lesser filmmaker, this would have been a jumbled mess. But Scorsese is, truly, a master. There, I said it. He juggles the back story pitch-perfect, and the flashbacks (done in haunting dream sequences) are never distracting. Instead, while on a completely different subject from the actual investigation, they add to the tension and raise the stakes of the film. From the start, the soundtrack and the acting nail you to your seat and rip you through the events, slowing down just enough to involve you on an emotional level that leaves you guessing and hoping against hope that things work out. Everything is connected, and by the end, the climactic scenes are satisfying and ultimately well-deserved from such a great film.

I caught the morning show last week for 6.00 and paid for my cousin as well.

12.00 on tickets
4.00 on gas

16.00? What a steal of a deal. Best film of 2010 so far. My next two reviews should be up shortly.

Wake Me Up for WAKING SLEEPING BEAUTY

CLIQUEZ ICI!

Hombre Lobo and I have discussed many times the amazing era of Disney films from the 80s through the 90s; The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Lion King... the list from that time period is as impressive as modern-day Pixar's run of films. Disney, it seems, has decided to release this pretty awesome looking documentary on that era and their journey back from the brink of irrelevance. I'm certainly looking forward to this one.

I thought they stopped making these movies in the early 90s

TEKKEN TRAILER

Really? It actually looks like a cross between the recent Dragonball movie and the original Street Fighter movie with JCVD. 2010 is looking brighter every day.

Jack Burton Hates France Even More After Watching FROM PARIS WITH LOVE

Ah, l'amour.


This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Is anyone in this world not a Luc Besson fan? Isn’t he one of the greats, really? He’s been in pivotal roles in such films as Léon the Professional, the Fifth Element, Banlieue 13 (English title: District B-13), the Transporter series, the Taxi series, Nikita (English title: La Femme Nikita), and so on and so forth. He’s got that certain style and pizzazz that we all immediately recognize. And while there are several of his movies that I can’t stand, for the most part when his name is attached to a project, you know what you’re getting when you buy your ticket and you are usually in for a good time. I don’t know if he’s part of the upper echelon of movie makers such as Spielberg, Scorcese, Kubrick , and the like, but he can certainly be lumped in with Guillermo del Torro, John Carpenter (in his prime), the Coen brothers, and others.

That said, his latest producing and co-writing gig, From Paris with Love, is an uneven, silly, and at-times annoying film that is both immediately forgetful for its generic storyline, and memorable for its stupidity. The film’s director, Pierre Morel, directed the Transporter, Taken, and Banlieue 13—all highly enjoyable film, so imagine my shock when I watched From Paris with Love.

The story centers on James Reece (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), a wannabe CIA agent who covers as a personal aide to the US ambassador to France. He spends his time doing pointless side jobs such as swapping license plates and affixing microchips in important-people’s offices. He’s highly intelligent, methodical, and more than a little high strung. Enter Charlie Wax (John Travolta), the agency’s finest agent. He’s a loudmouthed brute who doesn’t particularly care about rules, laws, or, well, doing anything by the book. Together they somehow go from tracking down a cocaine route and beating up Asian gangsters to stopping a terrorist attack. I think. I don’t really know when I got lost in following the plot. But it’s a Luc Besson film. Who cares that much about a plot? It’s about the characters being cool, fighting badasses, and nailing hot chicks. Wow, that sounds like a Michael Bay film, but somehow Besson’s take on this formula is always much more interesting.

Anyway, so the plot was a dud. Fine. No biggie. I can live with that. But it was the characters that really killed this for me. Reece and Wax are over-the-top in their respective roles as ‘the guy who needs to loosen up’ and ‘the badass opposite of the guy who needs to loosen up.’ They were both annoying as all get-out. Wax, as a foil for Reece, had absolutely no depth as a character. He curses, he kills, he doesn’t like to think—Travolta seemed to be having a good time but my god, please tone it down a little. Rhys Meyers’ Reece was so much of a pussy that it became unbelievable. I mean who in the world stops for like two minutes at a major crime scene to wash blood off of his face and stare in the mirror? For someone who’s supposed to be smart, he’s incredibly stupid.

The action sequences are really the only thing that makes this film bearable. From the fights and gun battles to a fantastic highway chase sequence, this film keeps your adrenaline pumping and your butt glued to the seat. If you’re looking for dumb violence and fast action, catch this movie. But everything else is such a bore, including the obviously simple and predictable plot twist.

I spent:
6.00 on a ticket
4.00 on gas

I’d watch this on TV if it was on, possibly while doing some other work, but to pay for this? Nope. Maybe rent it if you want a brainless, popcorn night. Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

I Still Believe In Dawson's Creek

Please Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, give Dawson a nod!