A picture is worth a thousand words... but a picture with words? Awesome.This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't snowing, and the roads were relatively clear. But that doesn't mean it was an easy movie-going experience. I took in the 10.05am showing of Tooth Fairy at Tysons Corner AMC and was surrounded--nay, drowned--by small children and grumpy parents. I hoped for an empty theater and a pleasant surprise. What I got was neither. I should have known that something was going to go wrong when I saw a bird trapped in the theater's hallway, frantically flying against the ceiling in a futile attempt to get the hell outta there. But I persisted in seeing this monstrosity, my eighth film of a rather boring year. After all, I am a fan of The Rock.
Since his WWE days, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has proven that he has oodles of talent, presence, and charisma. Bushels of the stuff. But what has gone wrong in his transition to Hollywood? Because for God's sake, the man can act as well as any other personality actor out there. He's had a string of fantastic characters; The Rundown is perhaps the most underrated action comedy film of the 2000s, his turn as a gay bodyguard-turned-cowboy-country-singer in Be Cool was perhaps that film's only saving grace, Gridiron Gang was, while generic, a believable tale accentuated by a believable performance, and yes, I really enjoyed The Game Plan.
That last movie is the one to which Tooth Fairy will be compared. And yes, I did enjoy The Game Plan. I thought it was funny, witty, and even at some places heartwarming. And it is leagues better than Tooth Fairy because The Game Plan succeeded on the merit of its characters, particularly Joe King (The Rock). Tooth Fairy, however, doesn't have a strong leading character in Derek Thompson (The Rock). The entire premise of the movie is fantastical--a hockey player smashes children's dreams and reveals that there's no such thing as a tooth fairy; as punishment by the fairies, he must serve a term of two weeks as the Tooth Fairy. Now, wouldn't you expect some kind of Ebenezer Scrooge character for the Rock to play? Wouldn't that be hilarious to see him as a frumpy, grumpy dude? Too bad, the producers didn't see the wisdom in that. He's a basically normal nice guy. He doesn't scream or yell at kids. He doesn't treat them poorly. In fact, he's a pretty cool dude who's handled pretty evenly. THAT DOESN'T SUIT THE STORY.
Joe King in The Game Plan was hilariously out-of-this-world with his egocentric ways, which worked perfectly for the movie because the point of a story is to have a character that changes, right? The audience needs to WANT the character to change, to be saved. But Derek Thompson isn't that guy. He treats his girlfriend great, her kids as well, and even tries to step up as a mentor for a young hockey prodigy. There's really nothing wrong with him. So what if he tells kids that they shouldn't aim too high to be a professional hockey player? At some point the kid has to realize it. He doesn't yell, he simply explains to them the situation, and he's absolutely right. There ARE better players out there, and there ARE no such things as tooth fairies (this storyline excepted, obviously). So what are we left with? A relatively good guy who's honest who turns to a relatively good guy who lies and sugarcoats the truth. We need a stronger lead character. Go off the deep end with him. His salvation was just not very interesting.
The cast was actually quite good. Seth MacFarlane makes a fantastic cameo as a sleazy fairy hustler, Billy Crystal has a nice turn as a Q-type (of Bond fame) character, Julie Andrews was annoying, and Ashley Judd really shouldn't be getting any work anywhere. The real revelation was comedian-actor Stephen Merchant as Tracy, Derek Thompson's case worker. His timing was fantastic and he stole most of the scenes he was in. Interestingly, he looks perfect to pick up the role of Joker in the Batman franchise if they ever need someone small-time. He's a scary looking dude, especially for such a pivotal role in a children's movie.
All in all, I spent:
6.00 on a ticket
4.00 on gas
10 bucks. No fucking way. Ever. This was such a waste of my time; I should have slept in. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.
No comments:
Post a Comment