This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.
Y'know, I remember a time when a good ol' boy with a truck said what he said and meant it. And my ex-wife would've rubbed it in my face if the she-devil from the tenth level of Hell was still around today and not living in some penthouse apartment in god-knows-where, USA--a penthouse I'm probably still paying for to this day. But I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong. It's like Jack Burton always says: a man's gotta like the taste of pudding if it's dripping down his face. So I parked the Pork Chop Express in at the movies earlier and saw Sherlock Holmes at Tysons Corner AMC and it was a pretty comfortable experience, windchill factor of -300 notwithstanding. Now, I'm a reasonable guy, but I've been asked to see some pretty unreasonable things--things like a decent movie by director Guy Ritchie.
All right, all right, I know what you're thinking: what about Snatch? or Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels? Whatever. That son of a bitch makes films that don't last. And if there's one thing Jack Burton likes, it's lasting. And that's the problem with Sherlock Holmes. It doesn't tell me that it's gonna have the same feel in thirty years. It tells me that it's gonna be like the last girl I dated, good for about a year and then out of nowhere, it puts on fifty pounds and another ten pounds of makeup just to be able to look at itself in the morning. That ain't right. So when I'm looking straight in the eyes of Guy Ritchie's haphazard take on Sherlock Holmes, and it's slobbering on me like I paid a stripper an extra hundred bucks just to be nice, I look that sucker right in the eye and you know what ol' Jack Burton says at a time like that? I say, "Yes sir, this is pretty good for right now. It may not work out in the long run, but it ain't bad."
Sherlock Holmes needs a timeless feel, though. It doesn't need gimmicky video work or too-charming dialogue mixed with contemporary sensibilities. It needs an old school filmmaker's touch. The Count of Monte Cristo sprang to mind when I watched this film, not because they are similar or anything, but because where Monte Cristo succeeded, Guy Ritchie should've taken note. And followed. We don't need that faux-Matrix bullshit. We need a damn story--because that's what a mystery is about. There's too much flash and not enough substance. The villainous Lord Blackwood wasn't engaging or creepy enough to really give us a sense of tension. London erupting in fear and turmoil wasn't believable because we just didn't get that kind of a scope. Who cares, really, that five people were killed by Blackwood, and that he's risen from the dead? Would that make the whole city lose its head? It wasn't believable, but if you just numb yourself to these things, the humor and the action can carry the film.
I like the interpretation of Holmes and Watson as a loving bromance and Holmes' strange quirks, but Downey Jr. doesn't seem to have the weight or seriousness of someone like Holmes. Everyone made much ado about Holmes being a cokehead. Cool. But we didn't see that. It was vaguely mentioned but nothing really interesting was brought up with it. Okay, that's fine. But what else? He's whiney, he's clingy, he's manipulative. But more than that, he's annoying. Really fucking annoying. Rachel McAdams is cute-as-a-button in her role as Irene Adler, but lacks any real depth. We know exactly what is going to happen with her, and we don't particularly care. Jude Law's Watson steals the show with his impending marriage and finnicky breakup with Holmes. Law easily becomes the most sympathetic figure we have, and I don't think that's a subtle nod by Ritchie to the narrative of the Holmes stories.
So I spent:
5.25 on a small Lemonade and a Buncha Crunch for which I had a one-dollar coupon courtesy of my Movie Watchers card.
9.00 on the ticket.
approximately 4 dollars on gas (18.6 miles, or thereabouts, with lights)
18.25 to see Sherlock Holmes? Nope, I wouldn't spend it again. Maybe if it was the 6.00 showing and no concessions.
Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.
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