Yet Jonah Hex Gets a Wide Release? SOLOMON KANE Review!

That will clear right up with a good exfoliating cream.

This is Bennett, taking a break from wearing chain mail and bicycle gloves.

Consider the idea: “If every day was a beautiful day, then what’s considered a beautiful day?” I’ve long believed that beauty resides as much in destruction as it does in creation—that in order to truly appreciate a beautiful day, you have to have intimate knowledge of nuclear fallout, cannibalism, lack of hair gel, terrible tan lines, etc. Broken down, it’s a pretty simple and common notion: good and evil are binary forces that cannot exist without the other; picture a circle with two balls keeping away from each other as they travel around the circle. If this is true, then using that model and plugging in different, opposing variables for ‘good’ and ‘evil’ should keep the concept functioning just the same. 'Beauty' and 'ugliness' are commonly regarded as analogous to 'good' and 'evil,' so let's input those into the model I've decribed. The problem I quickly discover with the model is that it implies a distance between the two variables, a sense of space, or of a line or border or boundary separating the two—no 'gray area' from blending or mixing to the two concepts. They simply exist side by side but independent and isolated from the other. Even the famous yin-yang's borders are solid, and the white and the black fields can be defined as purely white or purely black, despite the smaller circles of the opposite color residing in their bodies.

Fighting Points of View KOs THE FIGHTER

Withdrawal can be a bitch to deal with.

This is Bennett, taking a break from kidnapping John Matrix's daughter.

I recently caught the much-hyped film, The Fighter, the true story of down-and-out boxer Micky Ward (Mark Wahlberg), his family, and his rise to the top. Much has been made about Wahlberg’s and his two co-stars’ performances: Amy Adams as Charlene, Ward’s love interest, and scene stealer Christian Bale as Ward’s older half-brother Dicky Eklund. All the accolades they have coming to them are well deserved. All the hype surrounding this film? Not so much.

Down to the Nitty Gritty with TRUE GRIT

Is it just me, or are westerns on the way to being the new vampire?

This is Bennett, taking a break from kidnapping John Matrix's daughter.

I never really cared for westerns; thought they were, generally, slow, boring, and cheesy. John Wayne's characters, despite their iconic place in Hollywood history, never struck me as authentic or interesting. But recently I've had a change of heart, thanks in no small part to Garth Ennis's fantastic comic series, Preacher. Ennis's take on the spaghetti western and its themes of manhood, honor, and love has sparked in me an interest in the genre that's steadily grown over the past few years. The Coen Brother's last foray into the genre, No Country for Old Men pretty much branded me an avowed fan of the western. I even went out and read the book by Cormac McCarthy and loved it.

Bennett has One Question for Robin Hood: Why?

Ah, pining for Kevin Costner. Who'da thunk it?

This is Bennett, taking a break from kidnapping John Matrix's daughter.

Caught Robin Hood a while back with Hombre Lobo for six bucks at a pre-11 a.m. viewing at Tysons Corner. I'm gonna be honest. I hate Russell Crowe. Now, before you scream about how awesome Master and Commander is, or how badass he is in Gladiator, or how you rooted for him in Cinderella Man, I honestly have to say that I don't particularly love any of those movies. I don't . I don't know why, but it may have something to do with my intense, illogical hatred for Russell Crowe.

Captain America Costume Pics!

AWESOME. CLICK HERE FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA!!

Pics are up at aintitcool.com of the Captain America costume. My first reaction is:

Wow. This looks pretty good. I'd prefer the classic chain-mail-type look with the scales, but whatever. I'm still not on board with Chris Evans. But this looks good. I'm more than willing to keep my mind open on this though.

Big Ups to My Sister MAI-LINH HONG and Her New Husband BRIAN UTTER!!

Hey look, it's a baby. What a coincidence that I'd find a picture of a baby when I googled images for a goat. No pressure, guys. None at all.


Memorial Day. A day for thankin' the troops, sunburn, barbecue, and haulin' ass in an eighteen-wheeler.

And memories, right?

Well, on May 29th and 30th my big sis Mai-Linh and her fiance Brian tied the knot! The Vietnamese ceremony was held at our parent's home, and the 'traditional' wedding at a goat farm in Luray, Virginia.

My favorite memory of the weekend was after the second wedding, when some of Mai-Linh's friends from childhood and college and I sat around the living room of the ranch which housed us for the weekend , and a tired, smiling Mai-Linh bustled through in search of her friend Debbie who performed the ceremony. Apparently she and Brian weren't sure if they filled out the marriage certificate properly. A long, drawn-out conversation ensued in which nobody could determine if Mai-Linh and Brian were legally married. Mai-Linh's childhood friend Robin (who sang beatifully during the ceremony, by the way) remarked, ever so poetically, and romantically: "Only in a room full of lawyers could we not figure out if they are legally married!"

I love you guys!

My Life, According to Daniel LaRusso

Ask about my Karate Kid 5 screenplay, tentatively titled: Karate Kid 5: The Search for Vengeance, in which LaRusso, now an older, grizzled, retired CIA agent must be reenlisted by the Company in order to infiltrate a South American fighting tournament funded by the drug cartels under the control of a powerful Yakuza mobster--the same man who was responsible for Mr. Miyagi's murder.

Fight ‘til the end
Cause your life will depend
On the strength that you have inside you

-Joe Esposito, You're the Best

MLATDL

Quick Thoughts: THE HURT LOCKER

JAZZ HANDS! JAZZ HANDS, DAMMIT!

Saw The Hurt Locker for the first time the other day. Can’t say that I’m that impressed. I’ve heard people say that this is a superior film to Black Hawk Down. I can’t say that I agree in any respect. This is an implausible film, firstly. In what world would a hotshot risk-taker be allowed to lead a team of bomb techs? I think the portrayal of the soldiers was pretty good, and the characters were interesting, but to say that this is an accurate view of a bomb unit’s job is kind of misleading. It’s not, from what I understand. Compared to the other films nominated for the Best Picture Academy Award, I’d have to say that Hollywood really screwed the pooch on this one. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire is a far superior film in terms of characters, content, accuracy, story arc, tension, and its ability to draw in the viewer.

Jack Burton Scoffs at MacGruber's Attempts to Rejoin the 80s!

A removable radio and a Miata. How could this not work?

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

The commercials looked funny. Copious amounts of toilet humor were promised. The casting looked solid. The concept is, well, awesome. But somewhere, somehow, inexplicably, MacGruber fell apart. And it breaks my heart to say so, because this may very well have been my most anticipated film of the year’s remaining crop.

Who doesn’t remember MacGyver with some level of fondness? From the mullet-sporting Richard Dean Anderson to his irrational use of household items to stop bombs and escape from vaults, the show was, well, kind of awesome. But 80s-awesome, not regular-awesome. So when the news that the Saturday Night Live parody, MacGruber, was advertised, I was right on board. But I really should have thought it through. The skit simply doesn’t have enough in it to work in a longer format, and this movie really shows it.

But even so, the story and plot should have been enough. MacGruber, a super-seasoned veteran who is thought to be dead for the past ten years, is brought back into the fold by his old colonel in order to track down his nemesis, Dieter Von Cunth. Between the poor delivery of poorly-written one-liners, and the incredibly unfunny toilet humor, there are flashes of genuinely funny moments. The incredibly cringe-inducing sex scenes will make you laugh and stick with you but they run a little too long. MacGruber begging for another chance is hilarious. But other than that, as a parody for the 80s action film, it just isn’t working.

Take for instance Hot Shots and Hot Shots: Part Deux. These are genuinely funny parodies. And they work because they don’t overload the viewer with gags that are toilet-based or run too long or that don’t add to the movie itself. You care about the characters, the storyline is solid, and the scenes are—for that time anyway—original. MacGruber, however, drags at points and the humor just isn’t original or funny. The film makers are going for more shock-and-awe than really allowing the film room to breathe and the characters to be their funny selves.

What’s more is that the characters in MacGruber aren’t particularly likable. They’re kind of boring, and annoying, and you don’t really get any sense of attachment. There’s no depth to anyone, no matter how hard the film makers try to add it with a long and convoluted back story. There’s also a scene in which Macgruber reassembles a team of heroes. But that lasts for about a minute. What was the purpose of that scene? Did it really add that much? It didn’t have any weight, didn’t get us hyped for the rest of the film, nothing. Like the rest of the film, it was such a wasted opportunity.

The performances were nothing to write home about either. Ryan Phillipe mailed this sucker in, and he can usually pull off funny (see Cruel Intentions). Kristen Wiig doesn’t really spark my interest until she reverts to her super-nice, super-cheerleader line delivery from SNL at the end. And Will Forte. Will, Will, Will. What to do with you? Stick with the side characters. You don’t have the presence to carry a film.

Anyway, I’ve gone on way too long about this and haven’t really said much. But skip this. It’s not worth it. I have a Robin Hood review coming up and I’m catching Prince of Persia later tonight. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

My Life, According to Rocky

Timeless words and a timeless man.

Rocky.

There's no easy way out,
There's no shortcut home.
There's no easy way out,
Givin' in, givin' in, can't be wrong.

- Survivor, No Easy Way Out


MLATR

Jack Burton Wishes They'd Iron Out the Flaws in IRON MAN 2

Like Favreau himself, this film needs to lose the fat and get some action in its life.


This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Caught Iron Man 2 recently. I guess it’s the “official” kick off to the summer blockbuster season. And to build on that football metaphor: the receiving team took it all the way to their opponent’s ten-yard line. Where they fumbled. And the kicking team recovered the ball.

So what does that mean? I have no idea. I think that it’s not good for the movies though. Whole lot of spectacle, not a lot of scoring. Okay. I’m going to go ahead and drop the football shenanigans.

Anyway. So Jon Favreau, of he-who-must-cast-himself-in-every-single-movie-he-directs fame, returns to helm the lackluster, slow, plodding, and oftentimes boring Iron Man 2. Sure, we get more eye candy in Scarlett “How Do You Spell That?” Johansson in the ultra-cool and ultra-tight Black Widow outfit. But it’s really not enough. And after her last foray in comic book filmdom, the justifiably-maligned Frank Miller ego-trip, The Spirit, you’d think she would just lay back and kind of do the movies she’s good at. Like Lost in Translation or Ghost World or whatever she’s famous for. I really can’t remember.

It’s not that she’s bad in this movie, it’s just that, well, there’s not much for her to do. And not much for anyone to do. The movie kind of rehashes whatever you thought was cool about the supremely superior first Iron Man. There are suits, there’s Robert Downey Jr. as the narcissistic and entertaining Tony Stark/Iron Man, and there are cool special effects. But nothing really works together. We get more of Tony Stark, but he comes across as more annoying than cool. He’s hiding a secret from his “loved ones,” and more than anything, I caught myself wondering: why isn’t he just being straight with everyone? Why not just admit it? And I think that this stems from a serious flaw in how his character is translated in the script and in the performance.

The main flaws in this incredibly-flawed film are in the lack of overall tension. Nothing seems to be drawing the viewer in during the hour-or-so between the beginning and end. Mickey Rourke’s version of Whiplash is rather hokey, Tony Stark is annoying, Don Cheadle kind of fades into the background, Gwyneth “I named my child after a fruit” Paltrow is kind of interesting, but at the end of the day she doesn’t seem authentic in her role as a personal assistant/love interest-turned-CEO. The big bright spot of the film rests squarely on Sam Rockwell’s shoulders. As Justin Hammer, Rockwell has his charm on full blast. He’s funny, he’s satirical, he’s absolutely awesome. So there is that, at least.

But there’s too little action in what should be an action-packed film. There’s too much melodrama that isn’t handled well—at all. Nobody is interested in the issues brought up, and they’re not handled with any depth or weight by Favreau anyway. While the film has some enjoyable parts, I’d say skip this unless you could see it at a reduced rate. What’s the point in IMAX, too? The climactic battle is a bore.

I think I’d rather rewatch the first Iron Man on mute and add my own dialogue a la Mystery Science Theater 3000. Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

Jack Burton Runs Screaming from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Katie Cassidy: the only reason to watch this monstrosity.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

In the remake/sequel/prequel machine that Hollywood has become, there exist a few great films. Dawn of the Dead comes to mind readily. The Hills Have Eyes is a fantastic trip through parody and satire. What will never, ever come to mind is the latest in a long line of failures: A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Now, full disclosure: I was never a big fan of the Freddy franchise. I just didn't get a chance to watch them when I was a child so I guess they never left an imprint on me. When I finally watched some of those films, well, predictably, the magic wasn't there. They came across as cheesy, silly, and not very suspenseful. And this remake is exactly the same.

The remake is very much like the original: a dream entity (Freddy) is killing the children of the people who killed him in life. The only thing new that's been brought to the table is that the would-be victims may or may not have actually been molested by Freddy as children; but they did definitely claim that he molested them. The parents believed the child victims and hunted Freddy down. And for a short while, the audience is given an interesting little nugget on which to chew: what if those kids caused that man's death, and what if his desire for revenge was, well, kind of warranted? It's a nice twist and it plays out okay to the end. But other than that, well, skip this thing. It's kind of boring. The kills aren't particularly interesting, and really, Katie Cassidy's hotness (as evidenced above) is too short-lived.

There is, however, an excellent scene in which the protagonist, Nancy, is backing away in an aisle of a pharmacy while she blinks in and out of a dream state. Pretty nifty stuff there. I just wish it would have been expanded and built up. As it is, this film misses in so many ways; the characters aren't particularly likable. Freddy is so one-dimensional that you can't even root for him, which is odd, considering Jackie Earl Haley is pretty good at these types of characters. It may be the makeup that's screwing with it. I don't know. Any of the interesting stories, such as a boyfriend being framed by Freddy for killing his girlfriend, are tied up a little too quickly. The tension just isn't there.

So skip this and count yourself lucky. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

Jack Burton Doesn't Lose it for THE LOSERS

Wow. How far you've come, Ms. Saldana.


This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Well. Time to review The Losers, one of the countless comic book adaptations out there. There's nothing really wrong with this movie--not anything I can really pinpoint, anyway. It's all just sort of generic. Which is striking, considering its comic book origins.

It actually works well as a cheesy-80s-action romp: brainless and fun in the vein of Commando or Predator or the billions of others just like them. The characters are relatively fun, easily identifiable, Zoe Saldana is, once again, beautiful, Chris Evans does douchey and hilarious as well as Chris Klein from Just Friends, and through it all, we get a solid, easy-to-follow, action-packed story.

But it doesn't push the boundaries of action films, nor does it try anything new. If you saw this, there is no way in hell you'd think this was based on a comic book. That's not a swipe at films such as Road to Perdition, History of Violence or anything--lord knows I'm a proponent of comics as literature--but The Losers is none of that. It isn't literary, or serious, or anything. It's just generic. And I wonder if the comic is also this generic. What was it that made the comic enjoyable enough for a movie studio to option? Whatever it was seems to have been lost or at the least horribly translated. Because this thing is forgettable.

That's not to say that it doesn't have its cool moments. Like I mentioned, Chris Evans is a fun character. The action gets your heart pumping a little faster. There are some genuine laughs, too, like Evans being a Journey-singing delivery boy. But it's not enough to stick with you. And that's this movie's flaw.

Oh no, I lied. There's another flaw. A major one. And it goes by the name of Jason Patric, the "bad guy." Wow. If there was an award for "Most Annoying Bad Dude Ever," Patric should definitely be in the running. His performance invoked little tension and fewer laughs. Was he hamming it up on purpose? It seemed that way. But his hijinks missed so often I really couldn't tell. He was by no means a proper villain. Not in the least. He struck absolutely no fear in anyone's heart. Horrible casting.

Anyway, I'd watch this again on TV if it was free, but I wouldn't purchase or rent it. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

Jack Burton Returns from Sabbatical to KICK some ASS

Actual screen shot.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Yeah, it's been a while. Can't say that I missed you. I'm going to post a bunch of short reviews, starting with Kick-Ass, perhaps the GREATEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE EVER. Obviously I won't give it the attention it deserves. But I beg you: GO SEE THIS MOVIE. And since it's been out for over a month now, I assume there aren't many places to go see it if you haven't already. So travel. Travel to the ends of the earth, or at least your state. Whatever you need to do, do it. To see this movie. This masterpiece of comic film.

The gags and jokes fly at you fast and never feel stale or old. Everything has a distinct edge of freshness, including the ultra-violent moments involving Hit-Girl. Yes, there has been much made about a prepubescent girl cursing like a sailor and killing people like a video game character, but really, who cares? I'm not going to engage in this moral debate because, frankly, movies like The Professional and Taxi Driver make use of little girls in much more explicit and jarring manners than Kick-Ass.

Anyway, the premise is simple: kid likes comics. Kid wants to be a superhero. Hijinks ensue. With such a simple conceit, I worried that the film would devolve into mediocre gags and predictability. The key is that the film respects itself and its source material. It makes no qualms about what it is (a parody of comic films), but sets out to do a damn fine job telling its story and lets everything else take care of itself. And it works. My god, it works.

Go see it. Go buy it. I'll be adding this to my blu-ray collection.

I can't remember the cost. Perhaps my morality? Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off!

Jack Burton is Training His Dragon!

No, not these assholes.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Every few years or so, there comes a film that includes such a remarkable scene that it literally impacts the world around us. In 1992, everyone wanted a magic carpet ride. Five years later, everyone wanted to be king of the world. Then everyone wanted a hippogriff in 2004. Now, dragons. How to Train Your Dragon 3-D includes such an amazing scene of flight that--despite it being an animated feature--you feel a huge sense of exhilaration, vertigo, and yes, even romance. It can't help being compared to the magic carpet ride from Aladdin, and it more than holds its own. Well, the entire movie is kind of like that. It's absolutely fantastic, a thrilling film with plenty of heart, pitch-perfect comedic timing, and charm enough to make even the most grizzled, behind-his-quota movie cynic wish, at least for a moment, for a dragon.

Hiccup (Jay Baruchel of this one of the few other films I enjoyed this year, She's Out of His League) spends his days working and daydreaming against what appears to be his predisposition to being a viking washout. It's a tentative issue, considering his father (Gerard Butler) is the viking head honcho, a warrior of legendary status, while Hiccup can barely lift a sword. But the kid's got heart, as he must in these films. He yearns to be accepted into viking life, and to earn his place in society. But when Hiccup manages to capture an elusive dragon that's never been seen or studied by the vikings, he discovers mercy in himself and ultimately friendship in the dragon. The dragon's been injured and Hiccup must create a prosthetic piece to go on the dragon's tail in order for them to fly. Along the way, Hiccup is put in training to fight dragons with a group of other viking teens. He has a crush on one of them, Astrid, a rough, picture-perfect viking teen. As Hiccup trains with his dragon, he learns their species' foibles and use them against the dragons he trains with, thus elevating his status among the trainees.

The trainees with whom Hiccup works are an incredibly well sorted bunch. My favorite was Fishlegs Ingerman, the fat, dorky viking (Christopher Mintz-Plasse... "McLovin") who possessed an encyclopedic knowledge of dragons and spouted out traits of each in the form of Dungeons and Dragons verbiage.

So the only downside? Well, the love story kind of develops out of nowhere, and in a superficial way. I didn't really dig that. I wanted more there. But it's a children's story. It shouldn't make you hesitate in the least.

It's a heartwarming story of acceptance in yourself, from your parents, finding love, and finding friendship. Obviously these are all themes that resonate and echo through the best of children's films, but How to Train Your Dragon really juggled these themes well. Combined with the excellent CGI, I really can't say anything more except: if you haven't seen this, go see it.

Cost Breakdown:

16.00 for a ticket
4.00 gas

20.00? I'm willing to pay full price for this on blu-ray. So yes, go. Go now. This actually topped Shutter Island as my favorite film of the year... but my Kick-Ass review is coming... how did the kid in green do? Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

Clash of the Titans Sucks.

And it started out as such a good day.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Caught the 10.45pm Clash of the Titans 3-D viewing with Hombre Lobo, Home Theater Hans, and a few other friends on Thursday evening. I'm not sure if it's my worsening eyesight or what, but this was perhaps the worst viewing experience I've ever had at a movie theater. No lie. It was absolutely unwatchable.

First of all, they showed the movie in one of the smaller theaters. For 3-D. What? And they charged 16.00. Are you fucking kidding me? The lighting in the film was already dark and "busy"--add to that the dark ass 3-D glasses and guess what? You can't see shit. This is one of the few times I wished I was in the first fucking row. Absolutely unwatchable. I found myself watching the film without the 3-D glasses, for god's sake.

And the trailers looked so promising. Alas, Sam Worthington phones in yet another performance. I really don't see the appeal in this black hole of screen presence. No charisma, no acting chops, and a generic, forgettable look. I actually preferred him in Avatar than in this mess. Louis Leterrier, the director of the Incredible Hulk (the Ed Norton one, aka the good one), helmed this affront to humanity so I guess a lot of the blame falls on him. It's weird. He was the only reason I thought this film would be any good. I really loved the Incredible Hulk and thought that Clash would be the exact kind of film that Leterrier could handle flawlessly. But no. It's uneven, the themes are not resonant, the tension isn't set up properly, and the film is fucking boring. Boring.

How can a film with huge scorpions, Medusa, Pegasuses, a city-devouring Kraken, a badass villain (Hades), and people made of bark (like on the trees) be boring? Fuck if I know. Right off the bat, the film sets up some conflict between humanity and the Olympian gods. But it's not fleshed out. We have no idea why people give two shits whether they should pray to the gods or not. Apparently the gods are such dicks that the people are rebelling against them. But we never see them be dicks. No, instead we get boring ass narration about how Zeus loves the people and he's too nice to them. Jesus fucking Christ, is it too much to ask to show us why the people reject the gods? And on top of that, the filmmakers dig themselves deeper with some theme of humans espousing the pride they find in being human. Being "a man" and all that shit. Give me a break. Throughout the movie, Perseus (Worthington) goes on about how he can complete the quest "as a man" because he rejects his demi-god status. Cue eye rolls and walkouts.

And so Argos, a rebelling city, is being threatened by the Kraken, a huge octupus/orc-like thing that eats cities and is controlled by the manipulative Hades. Perseus sets out with a band of city guards to hunt down Medusa and bring her head back so they can use it to turn the Kraken to stone. Simple enough, but boring nonetheless.

Anyway, so the tension is fucked 'cause we don't particularly hate the gods so we're not on Perseus' side, really. And lord knows Worthington doesn't have the charisma to make us like him for the sake of liking him. He's just blundering through as he always does, though I guess if I was a fan, I'd call his acting style "understated." His companions are utterly useless. The leader of their quest, Draco (Mads Mikkelsen) seems to have some interesting personality traits, but they're buried under the uneven handling of the film. He goes from asshole to grudging, Yoda-esque figure to "oh I'll die for you, Perseus!" a little too quickly and frankly he's not given much to work with. The shining point in this film is, naturally, Ralph Fiennes' Hades. Yes, Mr. Voldemort himself. Fiennes is putting together quite a list of iconic characters. I loved his take on Hades. He was creepy, dignified, and a complete badass. After learning how Zeus tricked Hades into becoming lord of the underworld after their rebellion against the Titans, I found myself rooting for him, Hades. I wanted him to wipe Argos off the face of the earth and take Zeus down off his high throne.

And that's apparently not what I should want, because it didn't happen. Maybe the film's a tragedy. Either way, this film, while epic in scope, didn't deliver. The special effects were by turns excellent and shitty. Medusa looked like something a first year college student created. The 3-D was a waste of time because the film wasn't filmed in 3-D. Word to the wise, my friends: Don't bother watching any 3-D movie that wasn't filmed in 3-D.

16.00 fucking dollars. How the fuck does this thing rate as a 16.00 dollar movie? Pretty low. Pretty low indeed.

Cost Breakdown:

0.00 on a ticket. Home Theater Hans paid and I haven't paid him back yet... sucker!
4.00 on gas

So. 4.00 dollars. I want a fucking refund.

Jack Burton Relaxes in the HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

Sometimes you make amazing films. Sometimes you make 2012.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Full disclosure: I love John Cusack. And I don't mean it in the way that I love puppies, or fat, lazy newborns, or bad Chinese food. I mean I respect him and his work. It's not easy making as many iconic 80s films as he did and coming out relatively unscathed (Neve Campbell aside). Also, I really like wearing my white tank top. It shows off my pecs and biceps particularly well.

Well, back to the topic at hand. I caught Hot Tub Time Machine with Hombre Lobo and my cousin a couple days ago. Did I go in expecting the world? Yes. Did it deliver? Yes. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The world. And everything in it. Now, you might disagree with me. Might. But let's be real: what could this film possibly offer that would top the premise, the style, and the hijinks that the trailer offers? Nothing. Everything's laid out for you. You have to be absolutely incompetent not to figure out what this film is all about. And it hits every note.

So for the sake of the status quo: John Cusack plays John Cusack, a relatively nice guy who's fallen out of touch with his two best friends: the black dude from The Office, that bald guy that was on The Daily Show and a few episodes of the incredibly unappreciated Arrested Development. So along with Cusack's nephew, that fat kid who's boinking that super hot best friend chick (who looks exactly like porn star Jessica Jaymes) with whom he acted in Sex Drive, they revisit the ski resort paradise of their youth. Yes. It's a fucking skiing movie. I can only shake my head at the sheer brilliance of this. And I am being completely serious.

They arrive at the town to realize that it's gone through some seriously shitty times and end up in their suite's hot tub, drinking their brains out. As the trailers indicate, they end up back in time, reliving Winterfest '86, a weekend of debauchery and awesomeness. There are the must-haves for any 80s film: the douche bag ski instructors, commie hatred, a music/dance number, a concert by Poison, and legwarmers. Watching this film unfold felt like coming home to mom, only to find mom no longer there, but replaced with that hot best friend chick from Sex Drive.

So mix in some Back to the Future conflict, some Terminator logic, some seriously hilarious scenes from the bunch, and you have one of the finest comedies I've seen in years. It's irreverent, charming, and absolutely fun to sit through. Are there moments that don't hit? Of course. Every comedy has it. Does it kind of lack a heart (a la Forty Year Old Virgin)? Yes. Absolutely. But it's not here for heart. It's here to send up and pay homage to the great 80s films that we saw or were relegated to late night viewings on the USA network in the early 90s.

But what saves it then? Rob Corddry. He steals every single scene he's in, be they getting his ass kicked by douche bags or convincing John Cusack's nephew to participate in a threesome with him and a random hot chick. By the time you see the black dude from The Office curse out a nine-year old version of his wife over the phone, you're pretty much nodding to yourself and thinking, "Y'know, this is going in my collection."

Cost Breakdown:

21.50 for a ticket, a chili cheese dog, and a large soda.

Yes. Yes. And yes again. Go see this! I could have bought the blu-ray for the price. And I still have the chance. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.

She's Out of This Year's Crop of Movies' League!

This doesn't happen in real life.


This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Well, the year is looking a little more promising. I'm just dropping in after a horrible viewing of Clash of the Titans with a few words about the under-appreciated She's Out of My League which I caught a little while back with Hombre Lobo. Right off the bat, it's formulaic, it's obvious, it's predictable. And it's got some damn funny moments. Are any of them really original? No, not at all. From ball-shaving to premature ejaculation, you really feel like this is little more than a retread of the American Pie films. The good ones, I mean.

The story is simple enough: lovable loser, Kirk (Jay Baruchel), finds himself being wooed by the incredibly gorgeous, down-to-earth, intelligent, funny, charming Molly (Alice Eve). Along the way of their not-so-common courtship, we meet his best friends, his ex-girlfriend who has become closer to his immediate family than he, Molly's ex-boyfriend (who is, of course, awesome), and a few choice scenes with her best friend and family are thrown in. Well, we all know how this works out, right? Kirk suffers from low self esteem which (of course) sabotages their relationship at a critical moment and then they have be brought back together for the final, happy ending. Cool. We all know what we're getting, and dammit, I like these endings, so I don't really mark down for predictability.

But why watch it? Because there are some genuinely funny moments, all of which center on Kirk's friends. They're the real stars of the show. They're the characters that effect the most change, that really grab the viewers. And I don't know if that's intentional--maybe it's a side effect of the incredible charisma the underrated T.J. Miller, who plays Kirk's best friend Stainer, possesses. The story is just as much about the people surrounding a relationship and how they negatively or positively impact said relationship. So it's not really a surprise when the climax feels more about the friends "getting it" than anything to do with the main characters. And I liked that.

Cost Breakdown:

10.50 on a ticket.

4.00 on gas

14.50? Not bad. I'll probably buy it on blu-ray. Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off!

I'll be posting reviews of Hot Tub Time Machine and Clash of the Titans soon!

Comparison to the Book: The Lightning Thief

Better than the movie.

Rick Riordan's 2005 book, The Lightning Thief, is at times uneven, fun, hip, and a ripoff of Harry Potter. What irks me the most, when compared to the movie, is that the movie version of The Lightning Thief absolutely skips the best parts and changes the film to little more than a road trip movie. Now, if you remember, I enjoyed the movie, declaring it a triumph of the human spirit. That's paraphrased from the direct quote: "easy-to-digest." Anyway.

So we miss out on the entire introduction of Kronos, the "true" villain that never gets introduced AT ALL in the movie. Uh. What? Christopher Columbus, the director of the film, and company boiled down the plot to... a kid that's pissed off at daddy? Really? And then we miss out on the entire introduction of Ares in the movie. What? These are major issues in the book.

It seems that while Columbus arguably paid too close attention to making the Harry Potter films (Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets)accurate to the source material, he didn't feel as inclined with The Lightning Thief. And that's a pity because the book is, at times, a real joy to read. The pacing is incredibly fast, the characters are fun, and the portrayal of the Greek mythological characters fantastic. It really boggles my mind as to why they cut out so much from the book. In fact, they added things to the movie that, really, didn't need to be there, such as a fight with a hydra (which happens in the second book), and Persephone and Hades are completely changed. While I loved the latter two's portrayal in the movie, it just kind of worries me that they film makers are building a series of movies on a series of books, and changing so much right from the start.

If you have any inclination to read the book, I suggest you do so--after watching the movie. Otherwise, you might get your hopes up and be disappointed. As it is, I can't help but wonder what if.

Edge of Darkness keeps you on the edge of your seat--to leave.

What Women Want.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Caught Edge of Darkness a couple weeks ago with Hombre Lobo. Thanks to a car accident and the subsequent rubbernecking on the highway, I missed the first fifteen minutes or so. I don’t think those vital minutes would have saved this movie, but maybe I’m wrong.

Anyway, Mel Gibson is Thomas Craven, a Boston police detective whose daughter, Emma, is killed in a drive-by shooting at Craven’s house. The initial suspicion is that someone was targeting Thomas, and his daughter was collateral damage. As the movie unfolds, we learn that Emma as working for Northmoor, a company who makes weapons for the government, so it becomes clear that Emma was the target all along because she found out too much.

Not interested in that plot? Yeah, neither was I. Gibson’s career really seems to have fallen off the map with this forgettable piece of crap. I really don’t know what else to say about it. The fact that the film is titled Edge of Darkness implies that there are themes of, well, darkness, right? That perhaps there's a conflict or confrontation of humanity and its dark side? Nope. The themes come across as merely silly political intrigue and Gibson just doesn't seem to want to show his darker inner workings that we all know exist. I mean give the guy a shot of whiskey and start talking Judaism or something. Cuz Gibson hasn't had a particularly clear "good guy" image for years now. And don't get me wrong--while I'm not clamoring for antisemitism, I am looking for the darkness that the film is supposed to express.

The twists and turns are awfully simple, and the head of Northmoor, Jack Bennett (Danny Huston) is remarkably blasé (though he has a great name). He shifts from sleazy to cowardly to maniacally stupid with ease. The only shining point is “consultant/hitman/cleaner” Jedburgh, played by Ray Winstone (of the Departed and Sexy Beast fame. He’s by turns sympathetic, brutal, cold hearted, and pretty nice. He does a remarkable job with understating a character whose very nature is anything but.

Other than that, burn this piece of crap.

Cost Breakdown:

11.25 on a ticket
5.00 on gas

16.25. Just shoot me now. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off!