Clash of the Titans Sucks.

And it started out as such a good day.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Caught the 10.45pm Clash of the Titans 3-D viewing with Hombre Lobo, Home Theater Hans, and a few other friends on Thursday evening. I'm not sure if it's my worsening eyesight or what, but this was perhaps the worst viewing experience I've ever had at a movie theater. No lie. It was absolutely unwatchable.

First of all, they showed the movie in one of the smaller theaters. For 3-D. What? And they charged 16.00. Are you fucking kidding me? The lighting in the film was already dark and "busy"--add to that the dark ass 3-D glasses and guess what? You can't see shit. This is one of the few times I wished I was in the first fucking row. Absolutely unwatchable. I found myself watching the film without the 3-D glasses, for god's sake.

And the trailers looked so promising. Alas, Sam Worthington phones in yet another performance. I really don't see the appeal in this black hole of screen presence. No charisma, no acting chops, and a generic, forgettable look. I actually preferred him in Avatar than in this mess. Louis Leterrier, the director of the Incredible Hulk (the Ed Norton one, aka the good one), helmed this affront to humanity so I guess a lot of the blame falls on him. It's weird. He was the only reason I thought this film would be any good. I really loved the Incredible Hulk and thought that Clash would be the exact kind of film that Leterrier could handle flawlessly. But no. It's uneven, the themes are not resonant, the tension isn't set up properly, and the film is fucking boring. Boring.

How can a film with huge scorpions, Medusa, Pegasuses, a city-devouring Kraken, a badass villain (Hades), and people made of bark (like on the trees) be boring? Fuck if I know. Right off the bat, the film sets up some conflict between humanity and the Olympian gods. But it's not fleshed out. We have no idea why people give two shits whether they should pray to the gods or not. Apparently the gods are such dicks that the people are rebelling against them. But we never see them be dicks. No, instead we get boring ass narration about how Zeus loves the people and he's too nice to them. Jesus fucking Christ, is it too much to ask to show us why the people reject the gods? And on top of that, the filmmakers dig themselves deeper with some theme of humans espousing the pride they find in being human. Being "a man" and all that shit. Give me a break. Throughout the movie, Perseus (Worthington) goes on about how he can complete the quest "as a man" because he rejects his demi-god status. Cue eye rolls and walkouts.

And so Argos, a rebelling city, is being threatened by the Kraken, a huge octupus/orc-like thing that eats cities and is controlled by the manipulative Hades. Perseus sets out with a band of city guards to hunt down Medusa and bring her head back so they can use it to turn the Kraken to stone. Simple enough, but boring nonetheless.

Anyway, so the tension is fucked 'cause we don't particularly hate the gods so we're not on Perseus' side, really. And lord knows Worthington doesn't have the charisma to make us like him for the sake of liking him. He's just blundering through as he always does, though I guess if I was a fan, I'd call his acting style "understated." His companions are utterly useless. The leader of their quest, Draco (Mads Mikkelsen) seems to have some interesting personality traits, but they're buried under the uneven handling of the film. He goes from asshole to grudging, Yoda-esque figure to "oh I'll die for you, Perseus!" a little too quickly and frankly he's not given much to work with. The shining point in this film is, naturally, Ralph Fiennes' Hades. Yes, Mr. Voldemort himself. Fiennes is putting together quite a list of iconic characters. I loved his take on Hades. He was creepy, dignified, and a complete badass. After learning how Zeus tricked Hades into becoming lord of the underworld after their rebellion against the Titans, I found myself rooting for him, Hades. I wanted him to wipe Argos off the face of the earth and take Zeus down off his high throne.

And that's apparently not what I should want, because it didn't happen. Maybe the film's a tragedy. Either way, this film, while epic in scope, didn't deliver. The special effects were by turns excellent and shitty. Medusa looked like something a first year college student created. The 3-D was a waste of time because the film wasn't filmed in 3-D. Word to the wise, my friends: Don't bother watching any 3-D movie that wasn't filmed in 3-D.

16.00 fucking dollars. How the fuck does this thing rate as a 16.00 dollar movie? Pretty low. Pretty low indeed.

Cost Breakdown:

0.00 on a ticket. Home Theater Hans paid and I haven't paid him back yet... sucker!
4.00 on gas

So. 4.00 dollars. I want a fucking refund.