Jack Burton Runs Screaming from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Katie Cassidy: the only reason to watch this monstrosity.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

In the remake/sequel/prequel machine that Hollywood has become, there exist a few great films. Dawn of the Dead comes to mind readily. The Hills Have Eyes is a fantastic trip through parody and satire. What will never, ever come to mind is the latest in a long line of failures: A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Now, full disclosure: I was never a big fan of the Freddy franchise. I just didn't get a chance to watch them when I was a child so I guess they never left an imprint on me. When I finally watched some of those films, well, predictably, the magic wasn't there. They came across as cheesy, silly, and not very suspenseful. And this remake is exactly the same.

The remake is very much like the original: a dream entity (Freddy) is killing the children of the people who killed him in life. The only thing new that's been brought to the table is that the would-be victims may or may not have actually been molested by Freddy as children; but they did definitely claim that he molested them. The parents believed the child victims and hunted Freddy down. And for a short while, the audience is given an interesting little nugget on which to chew: what if those kids caused that man's death, and what if his desire for revenge was, well, kind of warranted? It's a nice twist and it plays out okay to the end. But other than that, well, skip this thing. It's kind of boring. The kills aren't particularly interesting, and really, Katie Cassidy's hotness (as evidenced above) is too short-lived.

There is, however, an excellent scene in which the protagonist, Nancy, is backing away in an aisle of a pharmacy while she blinks in and out of a dream state. Pretty nifty stuff there. I just wish it would have been expanded and built up. As it is, this film misses in so many ways; the characters aren't particularly likable. Freddy is so one-dimensional that you can't even root for him, which is odd, considering Jackie Earl Haley is pretty good at these types of characters. It may be the makeup that's screwing with it. I don't know. Any of the interesting stories, such as a boyfriend being framed by Freddy for killing his girlfriend, are tied up a little too quickly. The tension just isn't there.

So skip this and count yourself lucky. Till next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.