Jack Burton Takes Off His Own Head After Watching ALICE IN WONDERLAND

What I should'a watched instead.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

I’ve never seen any, and I mean any iteration of Alice in Wonderland. I don’t know how I’ve gotten so far without having somewhere, somehow stumbled upon a viewing. But it’s true. I have no idea what this is supposed to be about, other than little details of a woman screaming, “Off with her head!” or a rabbit that’s late for an appointment, or the Mad Hatter, who, to be honest, I know because he’s also a character in the Batman universe.

Also, along the lines of “never having seen,” I’ve never seen Tim Burton direct a very focused or cogent story. He usually seems to be more concerned with visuals than he does with plot and story. While films are undoubtedly a visual medium, when broken down, they’re simply stories. And Burton hasn’t ever impressed me with his storytelling abilities. He focuses so much on concepts and images that the overarching story gets lost in the shuffle. It’s as if he stares too closely at a detail and never steps back to see if the entire picture is shaping up correctly. The odds and ends look nice, but nothing connects.

Well, I will say that this has changed, for the most part, in his latest film, Alice in Wonderland. It’s a focused story that connects all its scenes and progresses as it should. Structurally, it’s fine. But what in the hell is this mishmash of bullshit? Hombre Lobo said it best when he described the visuals as Burton simply (and I’m paraphrasing here) throwing colors at the screen for the sake of making it colorful. And he’s right. Burton’s “visuals” have become formulaic. In a world that includes beautiful visuals and strong stories (Guillermo del Torro, come the fuck on down, bro), Burton has become passé. He’s not daring, nor is he particularly interesting. He doesn’t push the boundaries or is creative any longer. He’s stagnated.

So who was once a colorful, creative director, has become run-of-the-mill in the face of stronger storytelling. How strange. Anyway, so back to my point of never having seen any of the Alicesbefore. While I was watching this film, I got the distinct impression that this was some kind of sequel. It wasn’t until much later that I read that this film is supposedly a “continuation” (I can’t remember where I got that description) of the franchise, though not necessarily a sequel. Apparently there are scenes in this film that have absolutely no connection with the stories by Lewis Carroll. I have a sneaking suspicion that those of us who have seen Alice in Wonderland will probably enjoy it more than me, as Burton revisits the magical world of Underland and builds on the foundation of the stories. The movie seemed to branch out and rely on the viewers’ having seen the movie beforehand.

As for the characters, I loved Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. They light up the screen with their ineptitude and demeanor. Cheshire Cat, played by Stephen Fry, is delightfully witty and a nice break from the oddly uninteresting Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter. Depp, it seems, has taken to overacting and overplaying every one of his roles in a vain attempt to recapture his Captain Jack Sparrow magic. In fact, I couldn’t even decipher half of the things he was saying, his accents became so jumbled. Alan Rickman is always a joy, even when he is underused as he has become in the Harry Potter-verse and here as the caterpillar-cum-oracle, Absolem.

So my biggest gripe of the film is the development of Alice (Mia Wasikowska). She goes from a head-in-the-clouds Victorian bachelorette dodging the advances of a respectable Lord, to a badass with a sword and shield a little too easily. There’s no gradual shift in character, no epiphany, nothing. She just becomes, and it’s unearned and uninteresting. Alice has no chemistry with Depp’s Mad Hatter, and as such it’s kind of eye-rolling to see her go through the motions of wanting to rescue him in the middle act. I suspect Wasikowska has enough charisma and presence to carry a film, but here, her performance is almost forgetful.

Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen was more annoying than menacing or iconic. And—this is perhaps the strangest bit—Crispin Glover as the Red Queen’s general is horrible. Horrible. How in the hell can this be? He’s CRISPIN FUCKING GLOVER. He’s Marty McFly’s old man. He commanded an army of rats. My god, how the fuck do you turn Crispin Glover’s turn as a creepy general of an army of playing cards into such a blasé character?

Oh, and don’t bother with the 3-D. It’s definitely not worth it. In a post-Avatar world, it just seems trivial.

Cost Breakdown:

15.00 on a ticket
4.00 on gas

19.00 on a boring midnight show. With wasteful spending like this, how are we still in a recession? Until next time, Pork Chop Express is signing off.